30
He imagined Eva on the road and wondered if it actually mattered to her that he wasn’t coming. She had seemed complacent and resigned and hadn’t lifted a finger to change his mind. Didn’t that speak volumes? Volumes of what, exactly? That she didn’t care if he came or that she was fine with it? She seemed fine. After all, if she was upset about it, why would she have sex with him after he told her? Or was that too logical? He was aware of his immature desire for it to matter to her and at the same time that she be okay with him not coming. Needled, part of him ran amok.
Just after 8 AM he texted her:
😊Good morning 🌄 I hope you have had a wonderful drive.
Her: Thanks! 😊 good morning. Nearly there, stopping for my tea and breakfast!
She seemed happy. Perhaps she had woken up free of any disappointment at his not coming, having adopted his perspective that the reality of his brief visit, for effectively one day, would not be the best, and instead able to look forward to their next getaway in August, just the two of them. This was a good trip for her to be on her own, a healthy thing for couples to do. She would soak up nature, swim in the lake, spend time with June and her old friends, write her play, and have time for peace. She’d return rejuvenated, yearning to see him. And they would have an August to remember.
It was Saturday, but he was happy to dig into client work and be on top of everything despite it being a beautiful day of sunshine. He would get out later for a cycle. On his way back, he’d pick up a steak and hit the liquor store for tequila. It would be a relaxing evening at home, happily alone on his back balcony, free of everything.
After the steak and salad, he sipped his second lovely tequila and soda with fresh lime, looking forward to a third, but felt Eva’s expectation to check in.
Hey! How was the day? I worked, then got out for a ride in the E-Lands, just gorgeous. Thinking of you 😘
Her: I was a bit tired when I got here. Headache. Changed into my suit and jumped into the lake. I swam over to Jasmine’s and surprised her on her dock. Going to try out my new bed now 😘 😴
Him: Headache, drag.🤔 Surprising Jasmine sounds fun. Okay have a good sleep. Tomorrow is relaxing I imagine. You must be looking forward to June coming. 😎😘 Gnite
The next morning, she texted him an early-morning photo of the dock and the serene lake catching the rising sun.
Her: Have a lovely day! I’m going to put my phone away for the day and will check it again this evening.
Him: Thanks! What a beautiful place for you to be. Enjoy!! 😘🌞
Her: 😘
He missed her now, wished he was there waking up with her, watching the sunrise from the dock together. He wanted to text that to her, typed it, then erased it. He didn’t want to burden her with needy feelings, rather wanted her to just be free of his neurosis and enjoy herself. Had she felt the same? He scanned their entire time together. She had never said she missed him. Was that the truth, or was she the kind of person who didn’t say that?
At 2 PM he cycled to Jericho Beach. His sons Pete and Ronny and their girlfriends said they would be there for the afternoon. And Jenna as well. ‘Very casual’ was how Pete had put it.
Come and have a swim, Dad, it would be great.
Jenna would be there, interesting. They hadn’t talked or seen each other in months. After Ireland, wires had gotten crossed, and they both agreed to stay away from each other for the sake of clarity and sanity.
They were camped out with two big umbrellas, towels spread out, a small cooler and snacks. Ronny and his girlfriend Rhonda, known to everyone as R’n R, were throwing frisbee. They greeted him with hugs, and he wanted to cry, but his guilt wouldn’t let him shed a tear to relieve the pain. Pete and Clarissa were taking pictures with her expensive camera, their hair wet from a recent swim. Jenna was in a low beach chair, reading her book in a small circle of shade with her knees pulled in.
“Hey,” he said to her, an olive branch.
“Heay” she said, folding the brim of her hat down to block the sun behind him when she looked up. They both smiled with polite restraint.
He sat down a few feet from her. “Perfect beach day,” he said.
“Yeah.” They both looked toward their boys and their partners.
The silence grew so he asked officially: “How are you?”
“Good, you?”
“Good, working, getting out as much as I can to enjoy the weather, cycle. You know.”
“There’s beer in the cooler if you want one.”
“Don’t mind if I do, thanks.” He opened a can and took a long tug.
“Dad! Frisbee!” yelled Pete. Spencer jumped up and joined him and Ronny. It had been too long since they’d seen each other last. They always said they should get together more, but the gaps between visits grew from weeks to months. They were busy guys, which was good, it’s what he wanted for them, involved in some purpose. They were intelligent and kind guys, that’s what made him most proud. And they seemed to be doing much better figuring things out than he ever did. What a relief!
He wished that Eva was there, that they could meet her, and Jenna too. You’re a complete nutbar.
Ronny and Rhonda hadn’t been in the water yet, they invited Spencer to go with them. It was, he realized, his first swim in the ocean that year, the delectable cold salt on his lips. When he came out, he finished what was left of his beer and felt like walking and decided to invite Jenna.
After some chit-chat, she said she knew he was seeing somebody and that it was easy to tell because of his countenance. Then she said: “It’s not easy for me, but then I ask myself: Do I want him to be unhappy? Of course not. Of course I want you to be happy.”
He was grateful but didn’t respond right away. Too many times he had caused her pain by speaking before thinking. “Thanks,” he said quitely. He wanted to know if she was seeing anyone, but it felt completely wrong to ask, she might take it the wrong way. Like her, he wanted to see her happy, to find the man she had wanted all along, the man he didn’t turn out to be.
“I’ve given up,” she blurted out.
“What? Why?”
“I’ve tried, but anybody who’s single at our age is single for a reason – they’re always messed up somehow and I don’t want to deal with that. No thank you.”
He chuckled then spoke carefully. “Yes, yes. True. But I’ll tell you, if you’re open to things being different, then it can work. With the woman I’m seeing now, it’s been like that from the start. For example, there was one time she said she’d bought a ticket to see a movie on her own. And she did. And it just felt so free and normal. No explanation, this is what I’m doing, giving each other that space just to do what you want but have it in the open, you know?” He thought he heard Jenna affirm over a crashing wave. “I’m not saying anything is easy. It’s just that there has to be an acknowledgment of our age and where we’re at, at this stage of our lives.” He knew he was talking crap and couldn’t understand why. He’d hated it when Eva had gone to the movie without him. And when she told him she didn’t want him staying over. And when she said she wanted ‘friend days’. Hated it! But he couldn’t bear to admit the dissatisfaction and struggle and prove her right. Instead, in the end, she would see through his perseverance and dedication and commitment, he would have love, and she would see her error. He wasn’t the wrong man, he was the perfect man.
He wanted her to walk his path and find love. If he and Jenna found it with other people, he would want for nothing and his guilt would evaporate. But talking crap to her felt terrible, even if it gave her hope and kept her open to possibility. He was full of shit and knew it. The truth, he knew, was he took whatever Eva deigned to give him. He was her grovelling dog. About as far from a ‘new woke’, ‘different’ or ‘progressive’ relationship as you could get.
When they rejoined the others, Jenna went straight in for a swim. He was full of shame for misrepresenting himself to the person he’d had children with. You’re an idiot. And then a wave of guilt hit him for being there at the beach with Jenna when Eva didn’t know.
Impulsively, he called Eva to assuage these feelings, a run back to his master to check in and ensure she was happy with him.
She picked up. “Hey.”
“Hey, how are you?”
“Okay! You?”
“Good, yeah. Guess where I am?”
“Where?”
“At the beach! Just had a swim!”
“Oh nice.”
“Yeah, the boys and their girlfriends are here, they invited me to join them. Jenna’s here too.”
It was silent long enough for Spencer to regret calling, nay, regret existing.
He tried to spin it. “You know what Jenna said?” Eva remained silent, so he quickly pressed on. “She said she could tell I was seeing someone because of how happy I am.” Each silent second bludgeoned him. “It was nice to hear that. So, what are you up to today?”
“Um…going into town…I need to use the library, the wifi here is spotty.”
“Okay, cool. How’re Jasmine and Rupert?”
“They’re good, yeah – I’m meeting her first, so I should get going.”
“Okay, have a good one. Oh! How’s June?”
“Her coworker got sick so she had to cover for him.”
“Oh. She’ll come later??”
“No, doesn’t look like it.”
“Crap, I’m sorry, that sucks.”
“Yeah, anyway, got to meet Jasmine now, have a good rest of your day.”
“You too.”
After hanging up, he sat down on the sand and looked across the roiling ocean. He was a stupid creature, that’s all he was sure of. Infinitely small, infinitely stupid. Whatever good had come his way was blind chance, and he’d done an excellent job of making a mess of it. Were it not for his sons, he wished the sun would go supernova and obliterate every trace of everything that had anything to do with him.
Late evening, Spencer texted Eva:
I hope your day was great. Thinking of you. 💋
He lay wide awake in bed imagining himself and Eva in Scotland. Holding hands on moors swept with wind and rain with hoods pulled tight on their raincoats. Entering a cozy room at a stone inn, stripping off damp clothes, then warming each other under the covers. Drinks in the pub by the fire. He closed his eyes and turned over, calculating the costs, anywhere from five to ten thousand dollars. Some he had, the rest he’d have to put on credit. He could see how desperate it was, but that wasn’t anything new, he didn’t care, he just wanted to get on the plane and go with her. Maybe it would be so amazing there, they would marry.
Just after 9 AM the next morning, she replied to his text from the night before and sent a selfie pic of the calm lake:
Hey, it was good. 😊It’s really lovely here and I’m enjoying it despite June not making it. Writing a lot, which helps. Had Jasmine and Rupert over for dinner last night and it was fun. I will head out for a swim shortly. Jasmine and I are going to a farmers market for lunch. How’s your day looking?
Him: Beautiful pic! 🥰 Great to hear you are loving it. Woke to a warm morning with a breeze through the window. Reminded me of our morning tea and coffee there followed by our closeness. My day is pretty much all work. Will cycle later. Miss you ❤️Send me some writing!
Her: Enjoy your ride and hope your day is productive and also interesting. Maybe we can chat later this afternoon or tomorrow sometime 😘
Him: Yes, love to hear your voice and how you are. Call anytime. Enjoy the market and give Jasmine and Rupert my regards.
It was about 6 PM when she called. He swiped to answer but knew he wasn’t up to it. He answered brightly, “Hey!”
“Hey.”
“How are you?”
“I’m okay, I’m good.”
“Yeah great. Another day in paradise?”
“Oh, yeah.”
“How was the market?”
“Good. I had a burger.”
“Oh?” Eva eating beef? “What, ah, …how come?”
“They smelled so good,” she said with guilty satisfaction.
He thought she might go on, but it went silent for a few long seconds. “Sounds yummy, nothing like a good burger. Just been the usual here, worked all day, thinking about you, really wish I could have made it work coming up there but I guess you’ve been getting a lot done and hanging with friends so that’s good.”
“Yee-ah. Been okay.”
“Your writing, it’s been going all right?”
“Yeah, it’s peaceful, so that creates a good space.”
“Awesome. Rupert and Jasmine, they good?”
“Yeah, fine, it’s nice seeing them.”
“How long are they up there for?”
“Um, another week.”
And it went on with more of nothing for another two minutes and him running off, conjoining his sentences in a nervous babble, and then she said she was tired and they said goodnight.
He felt like shit and spent the evening combing through possible Airbnbs for August. He emailed her the links and went to bed.
In the morning she texted:
How’s your day going? It’s very rumbly and thundering here this morning. I got a swim in just before it started. Cozy inside. Thinking of you.😊
Him: Yeah it just clouded darkly here and grumbled. I wish I was the lake while you enjoyed your swim.😘 My day is interesting! … In a work sense. What are you getting up to?
Her: I’m writing now till around one. Jasmine and Rupert invited me over for a sauna and dinner tonight so heading there around four. According to Rupert, I must have an empty stomach for the sauna process!
Him: The sauna sounds intense. 🤪
Her: Oh, haha he’s not that intense about it. Lots of joking about his sauna process!
Him: Cool. I sent you an email about some getaways for August.
Her: Oh! I’ll check 😘 You can still come here, just sayin. If you are busy with family, I understand. I emailed you a link to what I’ve written.
Work was busy, and then he needed to get out for a ride and fresh air. It wasn’t until evening that he sat down on his back porch with a tequila and soda with lime to read what she sent, which, to his surprise, was the entire play. It took over an hour to read, and when he was done, Eva’s painful intimation had attached itself to him. What horror, family horror. But the ending, the ending was off. Very off. The happy ending of happy endings.
Miranda: I see you but I can’t look at you, I’m so ashamed and regret so badly what I’ve done. I would kill myself again and again for what I did to you.
Candy: Will you come with me now?
Miranda: No, I have to stay here, I want punishment.
Candy: That will hurt me even more. If you come with me, you’ll make everything right.
Miranda: You’ll say anything to get what you want. I want punishment.
Candy: Then I will stay and be punished as well.
Miranda: You would force me out?
Candy: No more punishment.
Candy extends her hand to Miranda. After a moment, Miranda takes it. The walls of their cell start to shake and then crumble. The sunshine streams in. Candy leads Miranda into a lively green field. Birds and butterflies float by. A blue stream bubbles over, with a tiny bridge leading to a path toward the sun. They walk hand in hand toward it, over the bridge.
Sappy and melodramatic, desperate, out of place, bleeding with wishful sentiment, but understandable given the need for forgiveness and redemption. Immediately his thoughts latched on her latest invite. She needs you! He had to get up there as soon as possible.